dahjaj
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Message Posted: Nov 19, 2009 4:40:47 AM
Rabbi's Hat good 1, A Rabbi, a Methodist minister and reverend went fishing one day together and they all started taking to each other on how they are paid. The Minister told the others "I draw a line down the center of the church and I throw the money from the collections into the air what ever land on the right side is mine the left side is the churches". The reverend said basicaly the same thing. The Rabbi said he goes out into the court yard of the schul and throws the money into the air god takes what he wants and the rest is mine.
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jrj-mama
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Message Posted: Jul 20, 2009 6:35:58 PM
Love this!
The Rabbi's Hat
One very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a
strong gust of wind blew his streimel (fur hat) off his head. The
rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his
hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.
A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the
rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed
the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that
he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man's head and
blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the
blessing.
The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the
racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could.
After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very
exciting day at the races to his father. 'I arrived at the fifth
race,' said the young man.'I looked at the racing program and saw a
horse by the name of ' Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse
were 100 to 1. It was the longest shot in the field.'
After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the rabbi's blessing,
gotten the $20, and seeing ' Top Hat' in the fifth race, I thought
this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top
Hat.' 'An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest
shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came, in
first by 5 lengths.'
'You must have made a fortune,' said the father. Well yes, $2000. But
wait, it gets better,' replied the son. 'In the following race, I
looked at the program. A horse by the name of 'Stetson' was running.
The odds on the horse were 30 to 1'. Stetson being some kind of hat
and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to
bet all my winnings on this horse.'
'What happened?' asked the excited father. 'Stetson came in like a
rocket. Now I had $60,000!' 'Are you telling me you brought home all
this money?' asked his excited father. 'No,' said the son. 'I lost it
all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau.'
So I decided to bet all the money on it because the horse was the
heavy favorite and the name also means hat in
French. But the horse broke down and came in last.'
'Hat in French is 'Chapeau' not 'Chateau' you moron,' said the
father.'You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me,
what horse won the race? It was a long shot from Japan named
'Yarmalka' answered the son.
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jrj-mama
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Message Posted: Mar 29, 2009 8:20:11 PM
A short list of Oldies, still funny.
DO YOU REMEMBER THESE????
You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Tottie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You've probably heard of them before, but don't you miss their humor if you were old enough?
And not one single swear word in their comedy, either.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
I was just in London; there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) "Don't ! bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.
13. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
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jrj-mama
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Message Posted: Aug 12, 2008 8:32:34 PM
The Yiddishe Farmer:
A Jewish farmer, walking through his hay field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond. The farmer shouts, "Trink nicht die wasser. Die keyen haben gesheissen dorten." ("Don't drink the water. The cows shit in it".)
The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak to me in English."
The Jewish farmer replies, "Use two hands, you'll get more."
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jrj-mama
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Message Posted: May 19, 2008 8:01:28 PM
Jewish logic
Moishe is waiting on the platform at the station. He notices a Jewish man standing nearby and asks him for the time. But the man ignores him. Moishe then asks him again, and the man responds in the same way.
Frustrated, Moishe asks 'Excuse me, but I've asked you for the time twice, why are you ignoring me'
Suddenly, the man looks up and says,
'We're both waiting for the train, if I answer you, then when we get on the train you will come and sit next to me, we will probably start talking, and I may invite you to my house for Shabbat, there you will meet my daughter, you will probably like her, you may eventually want to marry her, and to be honest with you,
WHY WOULD I WANT A SON IN LAW WHO CAN'T AFFORD A WATCH?'
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jrj-mama
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Message Posted: Mar 26, 2008 9:00:22 PM
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and an Israeli sergeant were all captured
by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them that he
would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, 'Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of
hot spicy chili.'
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili.
Rather ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'
Katie Couric said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my
tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till
the end.'
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
Couric dictated some comments. She then said, 'Now I can die happy.'
The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is
your final wish?'
'Kick me in the ass,' said the soldier.'
'What?' asked the leader? 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'
'No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Israeli.
So the leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the ass.
The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm
pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the
resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine
and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists
were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the soldier was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, 'Why
didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?'
'What?' replied the Israeli, 'And have you two idiots report that I was
the aggressor?!'
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jrj-mama
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Message Posted: Mar 19, 2008 4:53:33 PM
In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again.
But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher. The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.
After the marriage, Friday came. She went to the mikvah (a Jewish ritual bath to get rid of impurities). Then, she went home to prepare to light the candles.
The butcher leaned over to her and said, 'My mother, Hana, told me that after the mikvah and before lighting the candles, it's good to have sex.' So they did.
She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, 'My father, Shmuel, told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex.' So they did.
They went to bed after saying their prayers. When they awoke, he said to her, 'My grandmother, Rivka, said that before you go to the synagogue it's good to have sex.' So they did.
After praying all morning, they came home to rest. Again he whispers in her ear, 'My grandfather, Moishe, says after praying it'sgood to have sex.' So they did.
On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, 'So how is the new husband?
She replied, 'Well, he is no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family.'
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jrj-mama
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Message Posted: Mar 2, 2008 5:10:30 PM
Two bees met in a park. One told the other that he was very hungry. The other bee suggested the first bee go across the park where a wedding was being held. "There will be plenty of good food there."
The other bee went to the wedding and he returned said, "Thank you. The food was delicious." The bee that stayed in the park asked the other what he had on his head. "A kippa. I didn't want them to think I was a WASP."
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Jul 20, 2007 12:28:43 PM
Subject: Contract renewal time
>>
>>
>> TO: Lord, Our God, King of the Universe
>>
>>
>> FROM: The Jews
>>
>>
>> SUBJ: Termination of Our Special Status as The Chosen People
>>
>>
>> As you are aware, the contract made between you and Abraham is up for
>> renewal, and this memorandum is to advise you that after, yea, those
>> many millennia of consideration, we've decided not to renew.
>>
>>
>> We should point out immediately that there is nothing in writing and,
>> contrary to popular beliefs, we have not really benefited too much
>> from this arrangement.
>>
>>
>> If you go back to the early years of our arrangement, it definitely
>> started off on the wrong footing. Not only was Israel and Judea
>> invaded almost every year, but we went to enormous expense to erect,
>> not one but two, Temples and they were both destroyed. All we have is
>> a pile of old stones called the Western Wall. Of course, you know all
>> this, but we feel it's a good thing to account for all the reasons we
>> wish to terminate the contract.
>>
>> After the Hittites, Assyrians, etc., not only were we beaten up
>> almost daily, but then we were sold off as slaves to Egypt (of all
>> countries), and really lost a few hundred years of development.
>>
>>
>> Now we realize that you went to a great deal of trouble to send Moses
>> to
>>
>> lead us out of Egypt; and those poor Egyptian buggers were smitten
>> with all those plagues. But, reflecting on those years, we are at a
>> loss to understand why it took almost 40 years to make a trip that El
>> Al now does in 45 minutes.
>>
>> Also, while not appearing to be ungrateful, Moses did lead us to the
>> left instead of to the right at Sinai! To the only place in the
>> middle east without any oil. And with water that is controlled by
>> Jordan and Syria.
>> Oy,
>> if only he had stopped to ask directions. OK, so the mineral rights
>> were
>>
>> not a part of the deal, but then the Romans came and we were really
>> up to our necks in dreck. While it's true the Romans did give us
>> water fit to drink, aqueducts, and baths, it was very disconcerting
>> to walk down one of the vias, look up, and see one of your friends or
>> family nailed to a three-by-four looking for all the world like a
>> sign post.
>>
>>
>> Even one of our princes, Judah ben Hur, got caught up with Roman
>> stuff and drove like a crazy man around the Coliseum. It's a funny
>> thing, but many
>>
>> people swore that Ben Hur had an uncanny resemblance to Moses -- go
>> figure.
>>
>>
>> Then, of all things, one of our most up-and-coming carpenters (he did
>> great work, real cheap) declared himself your son (there was nothing
>> said like
>>
>> this about Abe) and before we knew what was what, a whole new
>> religion sprang up. To add insult to injury, we were dispersed all
>> over the world
>>
>> two or three times while this new goy (oops, guy) really caught on.
>> We were truly sorry to hear that the Romans executed him like so many
>> others, but
>> -- and this will make you laugh -- once again we were blamed.
>> Couldn't someone else be chosen, maybe just once?
>>
>>
>> Now here's something we really don't understand. That guy, Jesus
>> Christ,
>>
>> really came into his own. Millions of people revered and worshipped
>> his name and scriptures -- and still killed us by the millions. They
>> claimed we drank the blood of newborn infants, controlled the world
>> banks, operated
>>
>> the world's media, etc. Are we beginning to make our point here?
>>
>>
>> So let's fast forward a few hundred years to the Crusades. Hoo Boy!
>> Again,
>> we were caught in the middle. They, the Lords and Knights, came from
>> all
>>
>> over Europeto smack the Arabs and open up the holy places, but before
>> we
>>
>> knew what hit us, they were killing us along with everyone else.
>> Every time a King or a Pope was down in the opinion polls, they
>> called for a Crusade or Holy War (today they're called a Jihad), and
>> went on a killing rampage in our land.
>>
>> So, you tested us a little here and there, but some bright cleric in
>> Spain came up with the Inquisition. We all thought it was a new game
>> show, but
>>
>> once again we and quite a few others were used as firewood for a
>> whole new street lighting arrangement in major Spanish cities. All
>> right, that ended after about a hundred years or so -- in the great
>> scheme of things not a
>>
>> long time.
>>
>> But every time we settled down in one country or another, they kicked
>> us
>>
>> out. We wandered around a few hundred years or so, but it never changed.
>>
>> Finally we settled in a few countries, but they insisted we all live
>> in ghettos, while the Russians came up with Pogroms. We all thought
>> they made a spelling mistake and misspelled "programs," but we were
>> dead wrong (very dead wrong). Apparently, when there was nothing else
>> to occupy their time, killing Jews was the in thing to do.
>>
>>
>> Now comes the really tough noogies. We were doing quite well, thank
>> you, in a small European country called Germany, when some
>> housepainter wrote a book, said a few things that caught on and
>> became their leader. Oh boy!
>> What a bad day that was for us -- your Chosen People (by now, you
>> must be getting the drift of this e-mail?). We really didn't know
>> where you were in the earth years 1933 to 1945. We know everyone
>> needs a break now and then; even the Lord God Almighty needs some
>> time off. But, when we needed you most, you were never around. You
>> are probably aware of this, but if you have forgotten, over six
>> million of your Chosen People, along with millions un-chosen others
>> were murdered in cold blood. They even made lampshades out of our
>> skins! Look, we don't want to dwell on the past, but it gets worse.
>>
>>
>> Here we are, it's 1948, and millions of us are displaced again, when
>> you
>>
>> really pull a fast one. We finally get our own land back! Yes, after
>> all
>>
>> these years, you arrange for us to go back. Then all the Arab
>> countries immediately declare war on us. We have to tell you that
>> sometimes your sense of humour eludes us.
>>
>>
>> So, we win all the wars, and we're now in a new century, but
>> nothing's changed We keep getting blown up, hijacked and kidnapped.
>> We have no peace whatsoever. Enough is enough. We hope you understand
>> that nothing's forever (except you, of course), and we respectfully
>> would like to pull out of our verbal agreement vis a vis being your
>> Chosen People. Look, sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't.
>> Let's be friends over the next few eons and see what happens.
>>
>> Meanwhile, how about this idea? We're sure you recall that Abraham
>> had a whole other family from Ishmael (the ones who got the oil). How about making them your chosen people for a few thousand years?
>>
>>
>> Respectfully yours,
>>
>> The Jews
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gowolves
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Message Posted: Apr 8, 2007 3:14:11 PM
I don't find it funny, AC...
ok, here is one but it's not a joke.
So this morning we run out of half and half, and I decided to go get some. But not to my local store, to the one about 5 miles away that always have more kosher food. When I got there I realized that it is of course closed for easter. So I thought well, ok, I will go to the kosher store. Went there, and... they are out of half and half!
I guess we are stuck with milk...
Funny?
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AC-302
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Message Posted: Apr 8, 2007 12:40:38 PM
..and there have probably been 100 jokes about needing dynamite to get all that matzah to go though one's system..
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gowolves
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Message Posted: Mar 30, 2007 12:13:38 PM
Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a king who had a Jewish advisor. The king relied so much on the wisdom of his Jewish advisor that one day he decided to elevate him to head advisor. After it was announced, the other advisors objected. "It was bad enough," the other advisors complained, "just to sit in counsel with a Jew. But to allow one to be over us? That's just too much to bear."
Being a compassionate ruler, the King agreed with them, and ordered the Jew to convert. What could the Jew do? One had to obey the King, and so he did.
As soon as the act was done, the Jew felt great remorse for this terrible decision. As days became weeks, his remorse turned to despondency, and as months passed, his mental depression took its toll on his physical health.
He became weaker and weaker. Finally he could stand it no longer. His mind was made up. He burst in on the king and cried, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I must be. Do what you want with me, but I can no longer deny my faith."
The King was very surprised. He had no idea that the Jew felt so strongly about it. "Well, if that is how you feel," he said, "then the other advisors will just have to learn to live with it. Your counsel is much too important to me to do without. Go and be a Jew again," he said.
The Jew was elated. He hurried back home to tell the good news to his family. He felt the strength surge back into his body as he ran. Finally, he burst into the house and called out to his wife. "Rivka, Rivka, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again!"
His wife glared back at him angrily and said, "You couldn't have waited until after Pesach cleaning?!"
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AC-302
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Message Posted: Mar 30, 2007 6:48:49 AM
...So a guy is walking down the street and sees a sign over a new store that reads: "My name is Mink, so what do you think, I clean your shirts for nothing".
So the guy thinks.. well, that's a pretty good introductory offer. So he drops of 5 shirts to be cleaned and pressed. He comes back in two days to pick his shirts up. The attendant says "That'll be $5 for the shirts". To which the first guys says "wait a minute, the sign outside says you clean shirts for nothing!"
The attendant then says, "It's all in how you read the sign. What it really says is: My name is Mink so what do YOU think..I clean your shirts.. FOR NOTHING???" (ED.note; it sounds better than it reads...)
[Edited by: AC-302 at 3/30/2007 9:49:31 AM EST]
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Mar 23, 2007 8:25:27 AM
Cute Go Wolves...here's one appropo to today...Shabbat Shalom Lekulam!
Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is
oxygen on the planet."Give me the box of matches" says one. "Either it burns and there is
oxygen, or nothing happens."He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when out of the blue, a
Martian appears waving all his arms..."No, no, don't!"The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown
explosive gas on Mars? But he takes another match....And now, a crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their arms:
"No, no, don't do that!" "It looks serious. What are they afraid of? But - we're here for
Science, to know if man can breathe on Mars". He strikes a match, which flames up, burns down, and..... nothing happens. "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?"The leader of the Martians says,"Today is Shabbos!"
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gowolves
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Message Posted: Mar 22, 2007 12:17:42 PM
Shmuel had a bad car accident involving a large truck.
Weeks later, in court, the trucking company's high priced lawyer was questioning Shmuel. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Shmuel responded, "Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I just put my dog Moishele, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. Just answer the question. "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Shmuel said, "Vell, I just got Moishele into the car and vas driving down..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please, your honor, tell this man to simply answer the question."
The judge said, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his dog Moishele."
Shmuel thanked the judge and proceeded. "Vell, like I vas saying, I just loaded Moishele, my lovely dog, into the car and vas driving him down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Moishele vas thrown into the other. I vas hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. But then I heard Moishele moaning and groaning. I knew he vas in terrible shape just by his groans.
"Den a Highway Patrolman came along. He could hear Moishele moaning and groaning so he vent over to him. After he looked at him, and saw vat terrible condition Moishele was in, he took out his gun and shoots him between the eyes. Den the Patrolman comes across the road, gun still in hand, looks at me and says, 'How you feeling?'
"Nu, Judge, vat vould you say?"
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AC-302
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Message Posted: Dec 28, 2006 5:51:53 AM
Cute! More than a few of these sound a bit Freudian, eh?
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gowolves
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Message Posted: Dec 27, 2006 1:12:11 PM
NOTES FROM SYNAGOGUE BULLETINS
These announcements were found in shul newsletters and bulletins.
All the mistakes in spelling and typing were left in. Even spell check
wouldn't have helped.
1. Don't let worry kill you. Let your synagogue help. Join us for our
Oneg after services. Prayer and medication to follow. Remember in
prayer the many who are sick of our congregation.
2. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
3. We are pleased to announce the birth of David Weiss, the sin of
Rabbi and Mrs. Abe Weiss.
4. Thursday at, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All women wishing to become Little Mothers please see the rabbi in
his private study.
5. The ladies of Hadassah have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the basement on Tuesdays.
6. A bean supper will be held Wednesday evening in the community
center. Music will follow.
7. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the JCC. Please use the large
double door at the side entrance.
8. Rabbi is on vacation. Massages can be given to his secretary.
9. Goldblum will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
10. The Men's Club is warmly invited to the Oneg hosted by Hadassah.
Refreshments will be served for a nominal feel.
11. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Rob, who are
preparing for the girth of their first child.
12. We are taking up a collection to defray the cost of the new
carpet in the sanctuary. All those wishing to do something on the
carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13. If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking for you!
14. The Associate Rabbi unveiled the synagogue's new fundraising
campaign slogan this week: "I Upped My Pledge. Up Yours."
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gowolves
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Message Posted: Dec 21, 2006 6:25:10 AM
This comes from Ynetnews.com:
Let's talk about Hanukkah, baby
Never heard of Hanukkah? Tough luck. We will solve this problem
Rabbi Ben Yovits Published: 12.21.06, 15:09
This column will offer free advice about Jewish and Israeli life and customs. It should not be taken too seriously… And we start off with Hanukkah!
1
Hanukkah is the Jewish festival that takes place alongside Christmas. No, you cannot pronounce its first syllable correctly. Only Jews can.
2
Hanukkah celebrates the fact that one cruse of oil lasted seven whole days. The term "Oy Vey" is actually a mispronunciation of "Oil Vale", meaning "I don't believe how much oil you wasted on those sufganiyot!"
3
Which brings us to "sufganiya", a favorite Hanukkah pastry. It's made entirely of oil, flour and jam. Number of calories: 1,000 a pop. Not for the faint-hearted.
4
Every Hanukkah Jews buy many candles, which serve two purposes: One, to be lit in the traditional Hanukkiah (menorah), and Two - because December is the month famous for power blackouts in Israel. Lights out? Hey, we got festive candles!
5
Hanukkah is the holiday in which we hate the Greeks (on Passover we hate the Egyptians, Purim is reserved for hating Persians). Turn the other cheek? Not if you're Jewish. We'll hate you for centuries, compose embarrassing hymns about you and claim we beat you in battle. So there.
6
No, we don't give our kids presents like you guys do on Christmas. We give them "Dmey Hanukkah" (Hanukkah gelt), meaning they get CASH! Eat that, Santa!
7
Happy Hanukkah to all. Remember: Your diet begins next week…
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Dec 20, 2006 7:23:05 AM
Good One Gowolves! As a Corporal (ret.) of the IDF I found it funny on so many levels...
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gowolves
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Message Posted: Dec 15, 2006 1:43:06 PM
Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world. Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States."
Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're nuts! That's crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports, schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid. Our problems would be over.
"Sure," says Benny, another minister, "that's if we lose. But what if we win?"
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jrj-mama
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Message Posted: Dec 12, 2006 1:20:29 PM
I liked the last one best. Thanks for sharing them NISKYMOM.
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Dec 12, 2006 6:50:47 AM
Just in time for Chanuka: Pick your favorite version. I like the first two..
HumorMatterstm
Hanukkah
The Nite before Hanukkah
Five VersionsT'was the night before Chanukah, boychicks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the draidels.
The Menorah was set on the chimney, alight
In the kitchen the Bubba hut gechapt a bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glassala tay
And zayerah pickles with bagels, oh vay!
Gezunt and geschmack, the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of tagelach and Chanukah gelt.
The clock on the mantelpiece away was tickin'
And Bubba was serving a schtikala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand brauches,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuches.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
While Bubba was now on the herring and rye.
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gotkes
While Bubba was busy devouring the latkes.
To the window I ran and to my surprise
A little red yarmulke greeted my eyes.
Then he got to the door and saw the Menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenahora.
I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
But as long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."
With much geshray, I asked, "Du bist a Yid?"
"Avada, mien numen is Schloimay Claus, kid."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish,
A guppell, a schtickala fish."
With smacks of delight, he started his fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlach and kreplah gagessen.
Along with his meal, he had a few schnapps,
When it came to eating, this boy was the tops.
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt,
But they were so hot, he yelled "Oy Gevalt."
Unbuttoning his haizen, he rose from the tish,
And said, "Your Kosher essen is simply delish."
As he went to the door, he said "I'll see you later,
I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the Sedar."
More rapid than eagles his prancers they came,
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzak, now Sammy,
Now Irving and Maxie, and Moishe and Mannie."
He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight:
"Gooten Yomtov to all, and to all a good night."
The Nite before Hannukah
Version Two'Twas the night before Chanukah, boichiks and maidels
Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels
The menorah was set by the chimney alight
In the kitchen, the Bubbie was hopping a bite
Salami, Pastrami, a glaisele tay
And zoyere pickles mit bagels-- Oy vay!
Gezint and geschmock the kinderlach felt
While dreaming of taiglach and Chanukah gelt
The alarm clock was sitting, a kloppin' and tickin'
And Bubbie was carving a shtickele chicken
A tummel arose, like the wildest k'duchas
Santa had fallen right on his tuchas!
I put on my slippers, ains, tzvay, drei
While Bubbie was eating herring on rye
I grabbed for my bathrobe and buttoned my gottkes
And Bubbie was just devouring the latkes
To the window I ran, and to my surprise
A little red yarmulka greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw the menorah
"Yiddishe kinder," he cried, "Kenahorah!"
I thought I was in a Goyishe hoise!
As long as I'm here, I'll leave a few toys."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish
Mit a gupel, a leffel, and a shtickele fish."
With smacks of delight he started his fressen
Chopped liver, knaidlach, and kreplach gegessen
Along with his meal he had a few schnapps
When it came to eating, this boy sure was tops
He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt
But they were so hot he yelled out "Gevalt!"
He loosened his hoysen and ran from the tish
"Your koshereh meals are simply delish!"
As he went through the door he said "See y'all later
I'll be back next Pesach in time for the seder!"
So, hutzmir and zeitzmir and "Bleibtz mir gezint"
he called out cheerily into the wind.
More rapid than eagles, his prancers they came
As he whistled and shouted and called them by name
"Come, Izzie, now Moishe, now Yossel and Sammy!
On Oyving, and Maxie, and Hymie and Manny!"
He gave a geshrai, as he drove out of sight
"A gut yontiff to all, and to all a good night!"
[Unknown Author]The Nite before Hannukah
Version Three'Twas the night before Chanukah
and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching
Soch ah disgrace!
The Kinderlach, sleeping,
uneasily felt
The chocolate rush
from the Chanukah gelt
And me in the easyboy,
so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic
which held up my gatchkes.
When up on the roof
(and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alte kakker
was making a kvitsch.
I jumped up real quick
and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet,
or only a schnorrer?
He wasn't alone;
he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name
as he gave a gebrach:
"On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham;
My kidneys are kvelling;
do you give a damn?"
He had a white beard
and payyes to boot,
And to keep out the cold,
he had such a nice suit!
A second from Peerless,
I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay,
and so were the pants.
He was triple XL,
a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out,
"Meshuggener! Get off from Mein roof!"
He jumped down and said
as he shook hands with me,
"Max Klaus is the name.
You have maybe some tea?"
So I gave him a gleisel,
while he shook his white mop,
Mutt'ring, "Always the same thing,
They're dreying my kopp!"
>From Vancouver to Glacer Bay,
Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world
hakks meir a cheinik!
They're screaming for presents,
and challah with schmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone,
the back pain, gevaltz!"
So we sat and yentehed,
and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money,
and one of my kanidels)
He said, "Business is not bad,
a living I make,
But I'm getting too old
for this Chanukah fake;
And the cell phones, you see
how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I'd quit,
and move to Palm Springs?"
And he gave a geshrei
as he fled mit a lacht,
"Gut Yontiff to All,
Vey is Mir, Such a Nacht!"
The Nite before Hanukkah
Version Four
(Yiddish translations provided at the end)
'Twas the night before Hanukkah, as it is said
And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel
The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
Some regular food that would stick to his beichel
Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."
The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
Come on, don't be shy and see our split level
The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
So come in the den and please have a bite
If only we knew you were coming, by gosh
But I'll call out the wife and she'll give you a nosh
A slice of stuffed derma, a few little strudels
Some chicken salami, some flanken with noodles
Some blintzes, some kreplach, some lox and bialy
A bissel chopped herring, an end piece of chaleh
And if all of these goodies don't fill up your gatkes
Last but not least, some Chanukah latkes."
"A latke?" cried Santa, "what is this delight?"
On the outside it's golden and inside it's white.
On the outside so crisp and inside it's yummy
And he gobbled them up 'til he filled his fat tummy.
Then they gave him a dreidel and showed him the plays
And he took a menorah to light for eight days
And to give Santa some spirit and to show how they felt
For mazel they gave him some Chanukah gelt.
He beamed and he chuckled and said "Kine-ahaora,
I don't want to feel like a Chanukah schnorrer
To show you how much I enjoyed your Jewish snack
I'm leaving you everything, even my sack."
Then he called to his reindeer and said, "Luz mir gehn."
And each one got ready as he schlepped on the rein
"Giddyap Irving, Hoo Ha Sidney, Hi ho Sadie, Let's go Minnie,
Onward Gussie, Upward Solly, Ole Becky, Oy Vey Molly."
And they swore that he yelled as he rode out of sight
"MERRY LATKES" to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT."
Very Rough Translations of yiddish:
zeckel= bag
maidlach = girl
peckel = coin
meichel = meal
beichel = stomach
kinder = children
balbusta = lady of the house (usually a very nice description)
mezzuzah = Commandments inside a small oblong ornament attached to right side of the door jam
zeit = life
nosh = snack
stuffed derma = cow intestines
flanken = flank steak
blintzes = rolled like a crepe, but stuffed full with fruit & cottage cheese (or something similar)
bissel = a little piece
lox = smoked salmon (fish)
bialy = kind of roll, sold with bagels
chaleh = bread
gatkes = guts
latkes = potato pancakes
dreidel = special spinning top, with hebrew letters on the side, used for a game at Chanukah
menorah = candle holder for symbolic Chanukah candle lighting
mazel = luck
gelt = coins
schnorrer: cheapskate, typically used to descibe someone who always takes, but never gives anything back
'Twas the night before Christmas
For those being Jews
This was shared from Joke of the Day. Twas the night before Christmas, and we, being Jews,
My girlfriend and me -- we had nothing to do.
The Gentiles were home, hanging stocking with care,
Secure in their knowledge St. Nick would be there.
But for us, once the Hanukkah candles burned down,
There was nothing but boredom all over town.
The malls and the theaters were all closed up tight;
There weren't any concerts to go to that night.
A dance would have saved us, some ballroom or swing,
But we searched through the papers; there wasn't a thing.
Outside the window sat two feet of snow;
With the wind-chill, they said it was fifteen below.
And while all I could do was sit there and brood,
My girl saved the night and called out "CHINESE FOOD!"
So we ran to the closet, grabbed hats, mitts and boots --
To cover out heads, our hands, and our foots.
We pulled on our jackets, all puffy with down.
And boarded "The T," bound for old Chinatown.
In search of a restaurant: "Which one? Lets decide!"
We chose "Hunan Chozer," and ventured inside.
Around us sat other Jews, their platters piled high
With the finest of foods their money could buy:
There was roast duck and fried fake squid, (sweet, sour and spiced,)
Dried kosher beef and mixed veggies, lo mein and fried rice,
Whole fish and moo shi and "shrimp" chow mee foon,
And General Gaus chicken and ma po tofu....
When at last we decided, and the waiter did call,
We said: "Skip the menu!" and ordered it all.
And when in due time the food was all made,
It came to the table in a sort of parade.
Before us sat dim sum, spare ribs and egg rolls,
And four different soups, in four great, huge bowls.
The courses kept coming, from spicy to mild,
And higher and higher toward the ceiling were piled.
So much piled up, one dish after the other,
My girlfriend and I couldn't see one another!
Now we sat there, we two, without proper utensils,
While they handed us something that looked like two pencils.
We ate till we couldn't and drank down our teas
And barely had room for our fortune cookies.
But my fortune was perfect; it summed up the mood
When it said: "Even if it was kosher, it was still Chinese food!."
And my girlfriend-well ... she got a real winner;
Hers said: "Your companion will pay for the dinner."
Our bellies were full and at last it was time
To travel back home and write some bad rhyme
Of our Chinatown trek (and to privately speak
About trying to refine our chopstick technique).
The MSG spun round and round in our heads,
As we tripped and we laughed and gaily we said,
As we carried our leftovers home through the night;
"Good Yom Tov to all-and to all a Good Night!"
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diva katan
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Message Posted: Dec 5, 2006 1:34:32 PM
My car died on the way home from shul last Shabbat. I have been saying Kaddish. My holiday program with my school choir is in two days. Believe me, I need a few laughs right now.
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AC-302
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Message Posted: Dec 4, 2006 6:48:21 AM
Todah! I needed a laugh this morning..
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jrj-mama
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Message Posted: Dec 3, 2006 8:54:02 PM
Jewish Movies You May Have Missed1. GONIF WITH THE WIND -- A thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara through a forged deed.
2. THE PUTZMAN RINGS TWICE -- A Mohel murder mystery.
3. THE GOOD, THE CHABAD, AND THE UGLY -- A kosher noodle western.
4. MOBY DRECK -- Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale.
5. THE CINCINNATI YID -- Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings to
start a reform congregation.
6. THE SEDER HOUSE RULES -- Bubbie lays down the law on Pesach.
7. BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KIBBITZER -
- Paul Newman and Robert Redford do standup shtick while they rob their
victims.
8. BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KVETCH -- The extras complain that whistling the
theme song dries out their mouths and hurts their lips.
9. THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LATKE -
-An overdone potato pancake turns into a monster.
10. THE MATZO CANDIDATE -- Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking that
it's always Passover.
11. DREYDELS OF THE LOST ARK -- Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games.
12. ALEPH DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE -
-Neither the waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found.
13. THE SIX CENTS -- Three Jews each put in their two- cents worth.
14. DREYDEL WILL ROCK -- Chanukah toy comes alive.
15. GOYS DON'T CRY -- Rabbi explains why only Jews observe Yom Kippur.
16. STUART LADLE -- Mouse makes chicken soup for Shabbos.
17. THE GREEN MOYEL -- Young man performs first circumcision.
18. GOY STORY II -- Jewish man divorces shiksa, marries another.
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jrj-mama
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Message Posted: Nov 27, 2006 2:24:02 PM
Zen Judaism
If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?
Be here now.
Be someplace else later.
Is that so complicated?
Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip... joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health
or a life without problems.
What would you talk about?
The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single "oy."
There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao has no expectations.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.
Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
To find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
To practice Zen and the art of Jewish
motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle
What were you thinking?
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
If you forget this,
attaining Enlightenment will be
the least of your problems.
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Nov 1, 2006 9:44:55 AM
VERY FUNNY!
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gowolves
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Message Posted: Oct 31, 2006 10:55:58 AM
FAMOUS JEWISH MOTHERS
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write!
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"A ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children? Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
" You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!
THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"
PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH M OTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"
MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert schmesert!! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"
BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"
BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica!"
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Oct 23, 2006 8:01:09 AM
Cute NL!
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AC-302
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Message Posted: Oct 23, 2006 7:28:14 AM
On Yom Kippur, our interim Rabbi told the same joke as Niskymom 26 posts below this...Oy Vey!
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Sep 27, 2006 3:28:39 PM
As you know on Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich.
Jews traditionally go to a running body of water such as the ocean, a stream or a river to pray and throw in breadcrumbs. This symbolizes throwing away one's sins which the fish devour. Occasionally, people
ask what kinds of breadcrumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors:
For ordinary sins --White Bread
For erotic sins - French Bread
For particularly dark sins - Pumpernickel
For complex sins - Multi grain
For sins of indecision - Waffles
For sins committed in haste - Matzos
For sins of chutzpah - Any fresh bread
For substance abuse - Stoned wheat
For committing auto theft - Caraway
For timidity/cowardice - Milk toast
For ill-temper - Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity - Nut bread
For excessive irony - Rye bread
For unnecessary chances - Hero bread
For war-mongering - Kaiser rolls
For dressing immodestly - Tarts
For lechery and promiscuity - Hot buns
For promiscuity with gentiles - Hot cross buns
For racist attitudes - Crackers
For being holier than thou - Bagels
For overeating - Stuffing
For indecent photography - Cheesecake
For raising your voice too often - Challah
For pride and egotism - Puff pastry
For sycophancy, ass-kissing - Brownies
For being overly smothering - Angel food cake
For trashing the environment - Dumplings
For telling bad jokes/puns - Corn breadA HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR TO ALL G'mar Chamtimah Tova!
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AC-302
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Message Posted: Sep 26, 2006 6:50:31 AM
The Haikus come from a book called "Haikus for Jews". Wife bought it for me last Chanukkah..
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Sep 25, 2006 9:33:34 AM
My 8-year-old nephew told me this one over the phone, after asking him "How are you?" he answered: "Shofar so good"! Shana Tova VeMetuka lekulam!
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jrj-mama
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Message Posted: Sep 5, 2006 11:11:45 AM
I got this wonderful gem from a friend today....
JEWISH HAIKU
Lacking fins or tail
the gefilte fish swims with
great difficulty.
*****
Beyond Valium,
peace is knowing one's child
is an internist.
*****
On Passover we
opened door for Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.
*****
After the warm rain
the sweet smell of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?
*****
Her lips near my ear,
Aunt Sadie whispers the name
of her friend's disease.
*****
Today I am a man.
Tomorrow I will return
to the seventh grade.
*****
The sparkling blue sea
reminds me to wait an hour
after my sandwich.
*****
Like a bonsai tree,
is your terrible posture
at my dinner table.
*****
Jews on safari --
map, compass, elephant gun,
hard sucking candies.
*****
The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing:
I got it at Loehmann's.
*****
Mom, please! There is no
need to put that dinner roll
in your pocketbook.
*****
Seven-foot Jews in
the NBA slam-dunking!
My alarm clock rings.
*****
Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.
*****
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?
*****
Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Meshuganah
Oy! To be fluent!
*****
Quietly murmured
at Saturday Synagogue services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Aug 29, 2006 6:03:41 AM
Toda Raba!
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AC-302
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Message Posted: Aug 28, 2006 6:30:44 AM
Truth be told, I was trying to get across the pronunciation of our traditional temple preists, without necessarily using the common surname. I think it pronounces close enough that most of our fellow Hebrews would understand it...
And yes, the joke about the two shuls is funny, though I've heard it before, too..from a Baptist minister, no less...
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jrj-mama
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Message Posted: Aug 27, 2006 9:13:27 PM
NISKYMOM, LOL!! your 2 Shuls one is a RIOT!
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Aug 25, 2006 11:45:35 AM
Not to be picky but it is pronounced Cohen Ko (rhymes with oh) hen
I know in English there are many spellings and pronunciations but Cohen or Kohen if you prefer is the correct pronunciation.
Cute Joke though..
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AC-302
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Message Posted: Aug 25, 2006 6:25:52 AM
A man comes to his rabbi and asks "Rabbi - can I be a kohan?" The rabbi replies "I don't think so.." So the man pleads once again "Rabbi - I really want to be a kohan". The rabbi then asks him "Why would you want to be a kohan?" To which the man says "Well, you see, my Dad was a kohan..."
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Aug 24, 2006 9:15:47 AM
A Jewish man gets stranded alone on a desert island.
Years later, he is found by a ship. When his rescuers come to the Island, he gives them a tour of what he built on the Island during his years of isolation. Among the structures was his home, a bank, a town hall, a school and 2 synagogues. When asked about the 2 synagogues, he replied:
This is the synagogue I pray in every day, THAT ONE, I wouldn't set foot in if you paid me....
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AC-302
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Message Posted: Aug 9, 2006 6:28:31 AM
....so a fairly wealthy man's daughter wanted to marry a poor, Chassidic religious scholar. The wife asked the man to go and talk to the scholar about a possible shidduch..
The man asked, "So what are your prosepects?" To which the scholar said, "All is well, the H_shem will provide"..
Then the man asked, "Do you have other work, a trade perhaps"? The scholar once again replied, "H_shem will provide".
The man finally asked, "Do you even have a place for you and my daughter to live"? To which the scholar again replied, "I know that H-shem will provide".
When the man came back to his wife, she asked "So what did he say?" The man then said, "He's certainly a man of strong faith, but I think he's a little off.." The wife asked, "What do you mean by that?" To which the man said "Our future son-in-law thinks I'M H-shem!"
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Aug 9, 2006 5:22:31 AM
ACtually AC, now that you mention that my mother-in-law sent me a version that had to do with Rhode Island.. to JRJ-Mama...Adorable!
Carry on!
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diva katan
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Message Posted: Aug 8, 2006 3:34:29 PM
Very good!
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jrj-mama
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Message Posted: Aug 8, 2006 8:16:30 AM
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
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AC-302
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Message Posted: Aug 8, 2006 6:30:10 AM
Pretty funny - I heard something like that told as a Canadian joke..
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Aug 8, 2006 5:41:48 AM
Good one Gowolves!
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gowolves
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Message Posted: Aug 7, 2006 9:09:10 AM
The angels come to God after he has finished with creation and ask why he has favored the Jews so heavily.
They say, "You've given them a land of milk and honey, of olives, barley, dates and pomegranates."
"They have Nobel Prize winners, artists and scientists. Their greatest minds contribute to the media, the banks and world politics. Is this fair?"
God responds, "You're right. But wait until you see the neighbors I gave them!"
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AC-302
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Message Posted: Aug 6, 2006 7:01:55 AM
Mrjames' goyim jokes were fresh change! I'm not sure they'd get why they're funny, however...
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Aug 4, 2006 6:18:02 AM
Preaching to the Bear ...A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains
to the students of Northern Michigan UnIVersity in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk
shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says,
"I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I
began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to gIVe
him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm
and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and
brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't
sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read
to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do
with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled
down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you
said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day
praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in
and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may
not have been the best way to start."
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NISKYMOM
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Message Posted: Aug 4, 2006 6:16:32 AM
I second JRJ-Mama's comment!
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